I want to feel Again.

How long will it be until I realize that I can’t go on doing this forever? By “this,” I mean breezing by with no determination to change. Maybe I’ve already realized it because it’s a constant thought in this little mind of mine. “I need to start doing this, I need to quit doing that, I need change.” It’s what’s causing me from finally finding happiness. Because I’m still here, the same old person with the same disgusting intentions when I know I could be doing something better. All this thinking isn’t going to do anything for me unless I finally face my obligations to move on with my life. 

I can sit here and reflect all I want, listen to same songs that trigger the same memory and hopes. Yet, executing such realizations is a dud or rather a figment of hope. I only wish to step up and adapt to the time passing by and the changes that accompany it. However, I find myself watching it all pass by me hoping that the world would stop for me to be ready. I’m hoping for it to just stop for a second and wait for me to catch up. I’m wanting to have fun and get by with no worries for as long as I can but I know I can’t. I know the time will come soon or maybe it’s already showed itself to me. But for now, I’m holding it all off, wishing that I’d wake up one morning a different person, a person of passion and determination that actually gets me somewhere.

I’m not talking about the determination of a mindless teenager who wants good grades or a new car or to lose 10 lbs. I just want to be able to feel something again. Anything at all. Everything’s just happening, just passing me by and I feel nothing. Nothing at all that makes me want to hop along for the change. I want to know what it’s like to feel something again. I need to change in order for that to happen. It all starts here with myself and myself only. I just want to feel again.